Gregory Shamus/Getty ImagesSATIRE The hype has begun. Thursday night will be the greatest night in the history of televised free agent announcements. LeBron James will let the sports world know which team he will play for in an hour long special on ESPN. Reebok Dallas Cowboys #82 Jason Witten Realtree camo Jersey
Realistically the announcement will take about 30 seconds, and then Stuart Scott will interview LeBron for about five minutes after to get his reaction on the decision. That leaves plenty of down time where ESPN surely will replay LeBron’s greatest moments, including Game Five this year against Boston and Game Six last year against Orlando. More likely they will recall the super travel against Washington and the miraculous shot against Orlando in Game Two, when Cleveland blew a 22-point lead at home and almost lost. My point is that a half hour would do the trick.I get why ESPN wants to do it, they gain ratings while breaking news and continue to avoid showing any West Coast baseball. I get why LeBron wants to do it, for the Boys and Girls Club of America. What better way to raise money for charity than through ego inflation and royalty fantasies? I’m sure LeBron will give some of his new contract money to charity organizations for those wondering, or as he calls them, peasants.Where LeBron is going to play has destroyed more franchises than it is going to help because of false hope and could even ruin the city whose economy is based around him (all I can think of is the fake Cleveland tourism videos with the under construction since 1868 line). His decision to do an hour televised special is a terrible idea if he leaves Cleveland since a sports city dying should be done quickly, like ripping a band-aid. If he stays in Cleveland, the hour long special is a terrible idea since he, like A-Rod, will be announcing that he is continuing to work in the exact same place he already is working. There is no more self-important act an athlete can do than massively hype status quo.LeBron needs to shock the world, and as I see it now, nothing he has planned can do that. I have created 10 thingsLebron can do to make the hour long special memorable. The Boys and Girls Club of America may want to close their eyes and just accept the check.10. “I Reebok Dallas Cowboys #9 Tony Romo Realtree camo Jersey
have requested a sign and trade, and that request has been approved. I look forward to playing with Kobe, Phil and the Lakers next year.”For the announcement to have any impact, it has to be way out of left field, and LeBron going to the Lakers would make his star rise and make the Lakers the most hated team in the NBA since the Bad Boys of Detroit.9. “This decision has been the most difficult of my life. The only way I could make the decision was with the help of my new manager. Come out here Tim Donaghy (Donaghy and James hug). I’m coming after you Stern, and you can bet on that.” LeBron needs to go full heel if he leaves Cleveland. He needs to hire an evil manager, wear a crown and robe to every press conference, sport an evil goatee, and get his jersey changed to where it reads “King James.” Tiger needed to go full heel, and we can see him struggling because he didn’t.8. “I have an announcement to make before I let the world know which team I will be playing for next year. Rumors flew around at the end of last season, rumors of Delonte West having relations with my mother. Those rumors are unfortunately true. To Delonte West, I ask this question: Do you know where your mother was last Reebok Denver Broncos #15 Tim Tebow Realtree camo Jersey
night? I do.” I have no clue of the status of Delonte’s mother, whether she is alive or dead. Although for the purpose of LeBron’s revenge and to help ratings, I guess that doesn’t really matter.7. “My decision on which team I am going to play for next year. I don’t know.